Pain

Have you ever been in so much pain, to the point where it hurts to breathe, and it needs to be fixed, because you can't concentrate. And then, when you're trying to figure out what's the right medicine to take, the thing that will let you breathe and laugh and sing again, you find your medicine cabinet to be completely empty. There is nothing you have to help you. So, you suffer. 

I don't remember what it means to feel joy. I can't remember the last time I was truly and completely happy. I look at pictures over the months, and the smile on my face doesn't reach my eyes, and certainly not my heart. I want so badly to feel that utter happiness again, but I can't find it in anything. 

It's hard for me to figure, because, as opposed to other times in my life, when I have been very unhappy, it's only lasted a few weeks, at most a month, and at that time, everything fell apart. My grades suffered, my music suffered, I got sick, and other things. This time around, my grades are better than they've been my whole life, I am progressing quite well in my music, and I'm less sick that I've ever been in my life. The only thing that's not in order is that I'm so miserable all the time. I'm at a loss of what to do.